Why Does My Child Not Want to Exercise Parenting Time?

When a Child Resists Parenting Time: Causes and Solutions

Custody disputes are inherently stressful, often leaving children feeling powerless. When a child refuses to visit a parent, it is rarely due to a single event; rather, it is usually a combination of situational, emotional, and developmental factors.

1. Natural Affinity or Lack of Familiarity

A child may simply feel a stronger bond with the primary caregiver. This is common if one parent stayed home while the other worked, or if the child shares more hobbies with one parent.

• The Problem: The child feels “homesick” or uncomfortable because they aren’t used to one-on-one time with the other parent.
• The Solution: A “Step-Up” Plan. This gradually increases parenting time, allowing the child to build comfort and trust at a manageable pace.

2. Alignment (The “Siding” Effect)

Older children who understand the reasons behind a divorce may “take sides.” For example, a child may reject a parent due to anger over infidelity or other perceived betrayals of the family unit.

• The Solution: Combined intervention involving a Step-Up Plan and Co-Parenting Education. Conflict resolution classes for parents are vital to help them shield the child from adult grievances.

3. Justified Rejection (Abuse or Neglect)

If a child has experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect, their refusal to visit is a protective response.

• The Priority: Child safety. Trauma-informed therapy for the child must come first.
• The Legal Path: The offending parent may be required to complete treatment or coaching. Parenting time usually begins as supervised and only progresses to unsupervised once the relationship is repaired and safety is assured. Parenting Coordinators are often utilized here.

4. Parental Alienation

Alienation may be the cause for a child holding deep, unreasonable negative beliefs about one parent that are disproportionately fueled by the other parent’s influence.

• The Distinction: True alienation is relatively rare and must be distinguished from “justified rejection” (Point 3) or normal developmental growing pains.
• The Criteria for Intervention:
  1. The child is actively hostile without a justifiable reason.
  2. Evidence exists that the custodial parent is undermining the other’s relationship.
• The Intervention Spectrum:
  • Low Intensity: Court-ordered family therapy.
  • High Intensity: In severe cases, a “transfer of custody” may be considered to remove the child from the alienating environment, or conversely, a temporary suspension of parenting time if the stress on the child is too high.

The Bottom Line: Early Intervention

If a child resists parenting time, the most critical factor for success is speed. The longer a child remains in a state of rejection or alienation, the harder it is to repair the bond.